Content warning: This page contains information about sexual violence and may be triggering if you have recently experienced sexual assault of any kind.
If you have stumbled across this page, I commend you for your bravery in searching for answers and support. You deserve clarity about what happened to you. You deserve to be free from the shame, guilt, and confusion you may carry about what you experienced perhaps it may even be more than one occasion. This post is for anyone who is struggling to understand an uncomfortable, negative, or terrifying sexual experience they have endured, and for those wondering what they can do about it moving forward.
Rape Culture
We live in an environment in which sexual violence is prevalent, normalized, and excused in the media. Rape culture blames and shames the victims and fails to hold the perpetrator accountable. Those who speak out about their experiences with sexual violence are second-guessed, discredited, harassed, gaslit, insulted, and bullied. Just take a glance at some famous sexual violence cases, such as Bill Cosby, requiring over sixty victims to come forward to even obtain a conviction. And then he would go free after only completing three years of a ten-year sentence. Popstar Kesha’s music career disintegrated after she spoke out against Dr. Luke for drugging and raping her. It’s no wonder sexual assault survivors are fearful to reach out for support.
Differences Between Rape and Sexual Assault?
People are often confused about whether they were raped or sexually assaulted. Both are serious crimes that involve non-consensual sexual acts. Sexual assault is a broad term that includes a range of unwanted sexual behaviors and actions. It encompasses any non-consensual sexual contact or activity, including groping, fondling, and forced kissing. Sexual assault can include instances where someone is forced or coerced into performing or receiving sexual acts.
Rape is a more specific term that refers to non-consensual sexual intercourse or penetration. It typically involves vaginal, anal, or oral penetration, whether with a body part or an object, and is committed without the victim’s consent or when the victim is unable to give consent due to age, incapacitation, or coercion. Both can have serious psychological impacts on a person.
What is Consent?
Consent is about making sure everyone’s comfort and safety are the top priority and is necessary to have a positive sexual experience. Planned Parenthood has the FRIES model (freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific). This means you know precisely what you are agreeing to and can change your mind at any given time. For example, incidences where the perpetrator lied about putting a condom on would be considered rape, as you had agreed upon something entirely different when first embarking on the sexual experience. Consent cannot be given under any pretense of force or intimidation. If it isn’t safe to say no, then saying yes becomes meaningless; this is known as coercion.
Common Myths
What we have all been led to believe is true about sexual violence is inaccurate. Most sexual assaults do not occur in dark alleyways and isolated areas with a stranger hiding in the bushes waiting to ambush their victim. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, such as a neighbor, friend, classmate, co-worker, spouse, partner, or ex-partner. Most sexual assaults and rape occur in common places typically thought of as safe, such as a person’s home, office, or car.
Myth: Victims ask for it by being “seductive, careless, drunk, or high.”
Reality: You are not responsible for the offender’s behavior. You did not fail to prevent it because you did not struggle hard enough with the offender. Freeze and fawn (people pleasing to ensure no further harm is done) are normal responses to trauma.
Myth: Many women “cry” rape.
Reality: FBI crime statistics indicate that between 2% and 10% of reported rapes are false. This is the same rate of false reporting as any other major crime.
Myth: Sexual arousal including climax and ejaculation during sexual assault means the survivor wanted it or enjoyed it.
Reality: Arousal non-concordance is when the physiological sex response and desire for sex are not connected. In simpler terms, your sex organs are programmed to respond to sexual stimuli, so sometimes our bodies can react differently than our brains.
Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted, and women cannot be the perpetrators.
Reality: Men are sexually assaulted regardless of appearance, strength, and sexual orientation. Although most offenders are male all genders can be victims and perpetrators of sexual violence.
Myth: Sex workers can’t be sexually assaulted.
Reality: Sex workers are particularly vulnerable to sexual violence. Sex workers have the right to give and withhold consent for any reason and can be raped. Sex workers are human beings who deserve bodily safety and respect regardless of anyone’s beliefs about their profession.
Healing is available to you
As you embark upon your healing journey, let safety be your number one priority after experiencing sexual trauma. Use any coping mechanism that helps you feel a little bit safer in your body, such as talking to a trusted friend or a loved one, taking a hot bath, or lying under blankets listening to songs you love. If you are supporting someone who has just gone through a traumatic sexual experience, try to refrain from pressing them for the details about what happened. Your presence, to simply be someone that they know they can trust and who will support them in whatever they decide to do, is invaluable and will be deeply appreciated for years to come.
After a sexual assault, you may want to seek medical attention to treat any possible injuries and test for unwanted pregnancy and STIs. If you do not have health insurance, there are victim compensation programs that can help cover some of the expenses. Victim compensation funds typically require you to report the crime to law enforcement within 72 hours to be eligible.
Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in using EMDR to treat trauma and is trained in the R-TEP (recent traumatic episode protocol). R-TEP allows for early intervention, which can get you relief early on and help prevent the development of more chronic symptoms of PTSD.
I want you to know that what happened to you was not your fault and I believe you. You did not need to wear longer shorts, cover up your stomach, drink less alcohol, or argue and fight back to prevent sexual violence from occurring. The sexual assault happened because the perpetrator decided to do it. Sexual assault is about power, control, and entitlement. The shame and guilt are the perpetrator’s to carry not yours. You did exactly what you needed to do during that experience to survive and get out alive. Sending love and healing your way!
Sources:
Gay, R. (Ed). (2018). Not that bad: Dispatches from rape culture. Harper Perennial.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster.
Planned Parenthood. (2024). What Is Sexual Consent plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
RAINN. (2024). Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics. rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence
Richmond, H. (2021). Reclaiming pleasure: A sex-positive guide for moving past sexual trauma and living a passionate life. New Harbinger Publications.
Resources:
Arizona Attorney General’s Office of Victim Services
642-542-4911
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673
