Holiday Grief

Surviving The Season: What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting Grief.

Growing up, the holidays were so different. I was so excited to go to bed the night before Christmas, waking up to my family running to the living room to give thanks, spend time together, open presents, and spread laughter like it was contagious. As a kid, you don’t think about how things will change over the years, you only think about the joy you feel in the moment. The feeling was unmatched, everyone was happy, present, and alive.

Just when you think you have grief down pat, a song plays or a familiar face shows, and it quickly makes you realize that you don’t. The holiday season is often tied to feelings of love, togetherness, warmth, and excitement however, — it’s also a time that brings up loss, grief, and sadness. Whether you’ve lost a loved one recently, are facing the end of a relationship, or are struggling with any other form of loss, the pressure to “be happy” during the holidays can feel overwhelming.

Although grief can unexpectedly come in waves, it’s important to acknowledge that grief is a natural and personal experience, and there’s no “right” way to feel during this time. However, understanding how grief works and finding strategies to cope can help you navigate the season with a little more peace and kindness to ourselves and others.

The Five Stages of Grief.

Grief is a complex emotional experience that can take on many forms, and people often move through it in different ways. These stages can be helpful to understand, not as a strict roadmap, but as a way to recognize what you’re feeling:

Denial

During this stage, you might struggle to accept the reality of the loss. The holidays can make denial even more evident, as it’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy of what “should be” or what once was, especially with family traditions and expectations of celebration. You might feel numb or disconnected from the reality of your situation.

Anger

As the pain of the loss sets in, you might feel angry—angry at the person or situation that caused the loss, at others who seem unaffected, or even at yourself. The pressure to “move on” during the holiday season can amplify feelings of frustration and resentment, making it hard to enjoy anything when you’re in a state of emotional turmoil.

Bargaining

This stage involves a lot of “what if” and “if only” thinking. You might find yourself mentally negotiating for your loved one to come back or wishing things could have turned out differently. Around the holidays, this stage can be even more intense, as you may reflect on what could have been or how you could have done things differently to prevent the loss.

Depression

The weight of grief can feel heavy and relentless, and depression is a natural part of the grieving process. The holiday season often intensifies feelings of loneliness, sadness, or hopelessness. You might find yourself withdrawing from social events or struggling to muster up the energy to participate in holiday activities that once brought you happiness.

Acceptance

Over time, you may come to a place of acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting or not feeling sad, but it means acknowledging the reality of the situation and learning to live with it. The holidays may never feel the same, but over time, you may find new ways to honor your loss, create new memories, and celebrate in a way that feels authentic to where you are in your grief journey.

8 Ways to Survive the Season:

While there’s no way to erase grief, there are strategies that can help you cope with the intensity of the holiday season. Here are some ideas for surviving and even finding moments of peace despite the emotional challenges:

1. Acknowledge Your Grief. The first step in surviving the holidays while grieving is giving yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s okay if you don’t feel joyful or excited about the holiday season. Acknowledging your grief rather than forcing yourself to pretend that everything is fine can give you the space to process your emotions.
2. Set Boundaries. Grief can be exhausting, and the demands of the holidays can feel like too much. It’s okay to say no to events, gatherings, or even certain traditions that feel overwhelming. You don’t have to participate in every activity, and it’s important to honor your need for rest and space.
3. Create New Traditions. If old traditions are too painful, consider creating new ones. Whether it’s baking, making gingerbread houses, throwing a dance party, or a quiet evening of reflection, a small, intimate meal with close family or friends, doing something different can help ease the tension of the old expectations while still honoring your grief.
4. Honor Your Loved One. Finding ways to remember and honor the person you’ve lost can help you feel connected to them during this time. Whether it’s lighting a candle, exploring keepsakes, or simply sharing stories about them, these acts of remembrance can create a sense of peace and comfort.
5. Lean on Support. Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a support group who can offer empathy and understanding. Sometimes just talking about your feelings, or simply being with someone who understands, can help lift some of the weight.
6. Practice Self Compassion. The holidays can be a time when we feel pressured to “get over” our grief, but it’s important to treat yourself with kindness. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and there’s no “correct” way to experience it. Allow yourself the grace to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment.
7. Focus on the Present. The holidays can be a time of reflecting on past memories and longing for things to be different. However, focusing on the present moment, even in small ways, can help alleviate some of the stress. Engaging in activities that bring you comfort—whether that’s a warm drink, burning candles, a favorite holiday movie, or a walk outside—can give you small moments of rest.
8. Consider Professional Support. Sometimes, the grief is too heavy to manage on your own. If you find that your grief is overwhelming or lasting longer than you expected, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your emotions. Many therapists specialize in grief counseling and can offer guidance tailored to your specific situation.

Lastly, There’s No “Right Way” to Grieve.

The holidays can be a difficult time for anyone who is grieving, but it doesn’t have to be a test. By acknowledging your grief, setting boundaries, and finding ways to honor your loved ones, you can navigate this season with a sense of authenticity and self-compassion. Grief doesn’t disappear, but over time, with patience and care, you can find ways to incorporate both your pain and your memories into this season.

Remember, it’s okay to not be okay. The holiday season doesn’t have to look perfect, and your feelings are valid, no matter what stage of grief you’re in. Pay attention to your strong friends during this time. Be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone in your journey.